Stay tuned for the Sunday Night and Monday Night picks. Right after I finish reading "The Idiots Guide to Thinking of Funny Things to Say".
LA CHARGERS (3-6) -4.5 Buffalo (5-4)
When you go 0-4 with 4 strikeouts in baseball it’s called the Golden Sombrero. On Sunday when the Chargers meet the Bills we look forward to welcoming in person another member of the Sombrero family. With great respect to J. Peterman, whatever stats Nathan Peterman puts up against the Chargers D will forever be called the Urban Sombrero. It’s going to be ugly.
We describe a lot of teams as being in “disarray” when things are unsettled. The Bills took this to a whole new dimension by benching Tyrod Taylor seemingly without warning and replacing him with Nathan Peterman, who may have played football at Pitt, but may also have Sloane's dad in Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
Either way, it’s bad.
Related, there may be more Chargers fans than Bills fans at this game. We predict a final of 17-7, Chargers. The number of fans, that is. If we could pick scores, we wouldn't be writing these dumb jokes.
Pick: Chargers -4.5 (not even the Chargers can blow this one)
Pick 2: We’re going to regret saying the Chargers can't blow this one
New England (7-2) -6.5 OAKLAND (4-5)
Mexico City. This game had a lot of attention at the beginning of the year as maybe a preview of the AFC title game. We still think the league has a bone to pick with London. Last year, Azteca got the Raiders and Houston, two areas with significant Latino fan bases. This year they get the Raiders versus Brady and Belichick, aka Jesus and his Father, God. London gets Jacksonville (6 times!), the Ravens, the Giants, and the Dolphins. Plus rain.
The collective hard-on for Bill Belichick has reached “call your doctor because it's been way more than 4 hours" proportions. This week there was a podcast that focused on how bad teams would do with Belichick as their coach. The consensus, and I’m doing this from memory, was that he would turn every bad team in the league into a playoff team, and that the Chargers would win the Super Bowl. The Chargers.
The NFL is an interesting place. Talent level is so high for the players that the intangibles, like coaching, ownership, and culture make all the difference between the good and bad teams. Oh, and Tom Brady taking a pay cut. Having more money than the other guys helps too.
On the field, it’s the same story. Our Good v. Good / Bad v. Bad approach is pretty solid, but for games like this the league is barbelling. Good teams are dismantling bad teams. The games aren't even close.
Pick: Patriots -6.5
DENVER (3-6) -2.5 Cincinnati (3-6)
Mortys killing Mortys.
Poor Von Miller. He has to play on this team. He used to have some good Twitter game, but he’s gotten pretty serious. We think you give him credit for being a professional, but we did love seeing him troll other players on Twitter. Now it’s just stuff like a cute kid dressed as Von Miller for Halloween:
Von also tweeted a picture of his custom Adidas game shoes. We give him credit for trying.
Pick: Denver -2.5. No action if neither team scores.