Miami +4.5 @ LA CHARGERS
Not so! We will never stop the Brady bunch references!
Here's the deal. One of us writes notes for the 1PM Sunday games, the other writes the others. Since this is the first 4PM Sunday game, you're getting a change in author. And I do not agree to make no Brady references. That would be more cruel than Alice stringing poor Sam along for all those years to tenderize the meat, if you know what I mean.
I have Chargers season tickets. That should give you insight to my sports team judgment. There are 28,000 seats at StubHub, making it a great place to watch a football game. You can buy a seat for $95 today, 60% of face value. For the stadium opener. At a place with 50-70% fewer seats than other stadiums. Go! Chargers!
Until Miami gets a game under its belt, I can do nothing but make snide remarks. After this week, I will be able to but lets face it, I wont. If you want solid football analysis, figure out which games Chris writes about.
And then bet the other way.
(Homer) Pick: Chargers -4.5
NY Jets +15 @ OAKLAND
Oakland's D played well against Tennessee. This is bad news for the Jets. Oakland is playing their home opener as a lame duck with a Vegas move on the horizon. This is bad news for Oakland. Las Vegas is in a different state than Oakland. This is bad for 94.3% of the Raiders fans, who have to clear intrastate travel with their PO.
But 15 points? Way too much. (Insert non-descript Jets QB name here) will be in the backfield staring blankly like Cindy Brady with stagefright most of the game, but this is our MeUndies Back Door Cover of the week.
Pick: Jets +15
Dallas -1.5 @ DENVER
Dear Supreme Court: Please hold time on your calendar to hear the appeal of a domestic abuser vs an incompetent boob. We hope you're not too busy. Judge Judy wasn't available. Signed, The NFLPA.
PS - Yes, we know the definition of collective bargaining. But we didn't think that those meanies actually planned to use those powers we just gave away.
Unfortunately, the Dallas O-line is really good again. See: Heroes, Unsung. Dak and Zeke are the definition of system players. Also, Dak & Zeke came in second to Ace & Gary for names for the Ambiguously Gay Duo.
If Denver can get pressure up front, then it's up to the offense to find a path to 20 points. It's in your hands, Trevor. We're not convinced. Close game but give the points.
Pick: Dallas -1.5, and take the league to court if you lose so you can keep betting
San Francisco +14 @ SEATTLE
Seattle finishes strong. They start slow, you think "see! They're not good". And then they go like 42-3 in December since 2002. (We still think they're not good.) But that's not the worst part about being a Seahawks hater. The worst part is the fans are smart enough to recognize this, so they're totally cool when they start each season 2-2.
Niners fans, totally different story. Oh wait, since they moved to Santa Clara, there are no fans. When they built that stadium, they were building a coffin for a franchise.
14 points is too much in the early season for Seattle, but you should stay away from this the same way you should stay away from tiki dolls that wash up on the beach. Bad juju.
Pick: Niners +14
Washington + 2.5 @ LA RAMS
Our notes last week before the Rams dismantled Indy: "Tolzein will struggle vs the Rams D at home, people in LA will think that the Rams are good, they'll jump on the bandwagon for the Skins game, which in LA means showing up in the middle of the second quarter."
We also said they would get blown out in week 2. We don't think that's going to happen now (this is what happens when you give up your free will), but we're impressed with the defense. Cousins will be in the backfield getting swarmed like Alice in the laundry room going "Mrs. Brady, the suds are calling!". But it's a good line at 2.5.
The bet here is under. As in "under 10,000 people will be there with 6 minutes left a close game, because everyone is leaving to beat the traffic." Oh, and under 45.5 points. That's stupid high for two teams searching for offense.
Pick: Under 45.5. And Rams -2.5 if you absolutely positively must
Green Bay +2.5 @ ATLANTA
This is a great game. Atlanta opening the new stadium, Aaron Rodgers in prime-time. Both teams with question marks after week 1 victories. We think it's a shootout under the lights.
Forget the line, bet the over 56.5 (yes, we know), and buy your Chick-fil-a on Saturday.
Related: Chick-fil-a is famously closed on game day for the stadium where they paid to put restaurants. But did you know that the official chicken of the Falcons is ..... Zaxby's? (You thought I was going to say Mike Smith, didn't you?)
That's our Extra Crispy pick of the week: Zaxby's over Chick-fil-A. Good call, Falcons.
Pick: Over 56.5. Falcons -2.5. Big Zax Snak -3 over Spicy Chik-Fil-A sandwich.
Detroit +3.5 @ NY GIANTS
Eli goes down faster than (insert joke here.) I was going to say "faster than Paul Perkins when he hits the line of scrimmage", but that would be ridiculous. The only thing that failed more spectacularly than the NYG ground game at the point of impact was Cassini. Eli's unwillingness to take a hit last week may portend a serious problem for the offense this year. Take nothing away from Eli about toughness - dude has taken more licks than a Tootsie pop lollipop over his career - but this year he looks like he doesn't want to get slammed around anymore.
You have to take the hook with Detroit. They're figuring some things out, and Stafford is for suregoing to make some throws.
Pick: Lions +3.5